When people ask me about the person behind my letters, all that comes to mind is the drought that took over after you left. I don’t cry, I don’t tell them what’s wrong. I just smile because you once told me I looked beautiful that way. Sometimes I miss you, sometimes I wish you didn’t have to leave so soon. Sometimes I’m angry and I want to blame someone, but who’s there to blame? I wonder why good people live short lives. Why did they take you so soon? I look for you in every person I meet, and sometimes I pretend it’s you I’m talking to. It aches, my heart literally aches thinking about you, but it’s okay. I’m okay. I remind myself that you were always the rainbow after all the rain. You brought color to all my dark days, and I will always love you.
It doesn’t matter where you’re from, or how you feel. There’s always peace in the air after a freshly brewed cup of coffee.
Stumptown Coffee Roasters, 29th Street New York City
Yes, we #strideby back to our roots over coffee and great food.
Lovely meeting you Joseph!
You think I’m the same girl I was years ago?
I’m sorry, honey, but we all grow up.
We grow out of the person we used to be,
and the people we’re supposed to be with.
I’m slowly getting rid of any toxic
friendships and relationships
that have no way of morphing into
anything better than negativity.
Anything not worth smiling about isn’t worth it.
I’ve been reading case studies on Abnormal Psychology for the past 4 hours and some of things that go on in people’s heads are so damn scary and fascinating at the same time.
If you want a copy of the different cases (If you ever want to take Abnormal Psychology courses in college) message me. I’ll be more than happy to give you the PDF version.
Sometimes I wonder if my whole life will pass by this way: me waiting in the shadows, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for someone else to make it happen. Something new or different or crazy and amazing. I‘ve been there for so long, letting everyone else figure it out for me, floating along without much direction or conscious thought. Reacting.
You were in college
working part time waiting tables
left a small town, never looked back.
I was a flight risk with a fear of falling
wondering why we bother with love
if it never lasts.
Cut my hair (I know right? Still long but it was honestly all the way up to my butt)
I realized that after a certain period of time, the memories that were so painful before aren’t so painful anymore. I think I’m finally learning the art of letting go. I look back at how things were, and I laugh, not out of spite or bitterness, but I laugh because the memories seem so distant and far away that all I can feel is heartfelt acceptance that we go through a length of hardship and that’s okay. We learn, and there will always be better days.
I remember one time, this guy told me he couldn’t afford my lifestyle. I told him that he didn’t have to, that there was nothing to afford and that I wasn’t the kind of girl who latched myself to a guy so he could support me financially and emotionally. I told him that it wasn’t necessary, and I asked why he found the need to tell me that.
And he replied, “because I like you, and to like you, it means I want you to depend on me. And if you liked me the same way that would mean I have to make you happy. And your taste is rather expensive.”
I couldn’t help but laugh like he just said the most ridiculous thing in the world, and he stared at me so confused because he couldn’t understand why I found what he said humorous. The thing about being independent is that I can take care of myself without relying on other people too much. I told him I liked him too. And if being together meant humbling myself and learning how to live with the simple pleasures in life, then I was perfectly fine with that. I was perfectly fine being with someone who wanted me to love him not for what he can give me, but for how he made me feel.